heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
synchronized noseblowing
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!