Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.