Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4