Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…