Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.