My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids