I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I have two kinds of followers
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
So the ex texted me
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.