We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!