“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You Might Also Like
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE