I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.