I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.