Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala