Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.