What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.