As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died