Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You Might Also Like
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Okay
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.