hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…