my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.