5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
You Might Also Like
no such thing as a dumb question
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Yes
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations