Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.