Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.