When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I have a black belt in leather
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.