Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time