You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Erm I’m gonna say no
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.