[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it