I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
it’s finally my moment to shine
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped