You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
O Wise One….
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?