Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone