Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Blew my mind.