Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh