I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
worst…sale…ever
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…