Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.