I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with