sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
this is the greatest thing ever
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
i will avenge u mr van gogh
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*