How dude HOW?!
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(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
WHO DID THIS?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Running your mouth is not cardio.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait