[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Ha
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”