4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
everyone has that one prude friend
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.