*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Schrödinger’s cookie
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens