I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.