Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.