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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Meow
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.