i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
The asteroid..
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
This is the best one I’ve seen
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa