Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.