My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
very niche meme I made
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire