Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.