Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
You Might Also Like
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Okay me first
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control