My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play