3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
March 16
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?