Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS