Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.